


Regrets

by playfullips (dessertmeltdown)



Category: Queer as Folk (US)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-01-14
Updated: 2012-01-14
Packaged: 2017-10-29 12:16:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 849
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/319801
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dessertmeltdown/pseuds/playfullips
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>There's really no point in having regrets, especially when you can't fix things.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Regrets

Looking back on the last few days, Brian wondered if maybe he should have said something. Maybe he should have stopped Justin from leaving that party with…what was that violin player‘s name again?

But going after Justin, giving in to his needs, telling him what he wanted to hear, would have broken yet another of his rules, and he’d already broken too many for that fucking kid.

Besides there was no point to that. There was no point in telling Justin what he wanted to hear just for the sake of saying it, if it would only ultimately lead to the same result. And it would. Had he asked Justin to stay, told him that he loved him, and needed him, it would have only been words. A month, a year, however long from now, they’d be in the same place. They’d still be the same people. Brian would still want what he wanted. And Justin would still need what he needed.

No, it wasn’t worth both of them going through all of the pain again, just to say a few words that didn’t really mean anything. That he didn’t mean, or had he just somehow managed to convince himself he didn’t mean them?

He sat on the sofa in his loft a few days after the party suddenly wondering if in all his desire and attempts to be honest, to never bullshit anyone, had he been successful in lying to the one person he probably shouldn’t have, the one person he could really hurt with his lies--himself.

He had convinced himself that he didn’t care if Justin needed something else, that he had to go to someone else to find that something. The truth was, now he wished--

No. Brian Kinney doesn’t do regrets. He certainly doesn’t do self pity. He doesn’t sit around whining about what he could have done or should have done or would have done. It was useless.

And yet, for some reason, here he was. Thinking back on the last few months of their relationship, wondering what he did wrong, what he could have done better.

How exactly had that fucking kid managed to change so many things about the way he thought, the way he was, when he wasn’t paying attention?

Brian wasn’t himself. He didn’t care about anything other than getting his dick sucked, and possibly fucking. It was something people had been telling him for years. So why is it that he was sitting here, alone, in the middle of the night, instead of at Babylon searching for his latest trick?

Why is it that he’s been sitting here for three days, wondering why he didn’t go after Justin. Wondering if he still could. Not that he would.

Brian Kinney never goes after anyone.

+++++

Justin **_should_** have been happy. After all, he’d gotten what he wanted. He had Ethan now.

And Ethan was everything he had thought a boyfriend should be. He was intelligent, artistic, funny, charming, good looking, **_faithful_**. And he was romantic. He said “I love you” and “I need you” and everything else that Brian had always refused to say. Everything Brian never would say.

So why is it that now, three days after he had gotten that, after finally leaving Brian and all of the pain he caused behind, he was lying on his back in bed next to Ethan (who had long since gone to sleep) wishing he were with the one he’d left, wishing Brian was the one lying next to him right now.

Brian had always had a no regrets policy. It was a policy that Justin now wished he himself had adopted. But he did have regrets.

He regretted that he hadn’t known three days ago, or a week ago, or a month ago that he was wrong to run into Ethan’s arms. He regretted that even with all of the “I love you”s and romantic gestures, he didn’t realize that Ethan wasn’t enough. He didn’t want all of that with Just Anyone. He didn’t want it with Ethan.

He wanted it with Brian. And only Brian.

Even knowing that Brian would never say “I love you” or make any grand romantic gestures, he still regretted how things ended. That things ended. He wondered why it had taken him so long to realize that Brian was enough. Brian was worth not hearing the words or getting the gestures.

Now it’s too late. He can’t change his mind. He’s almost sure that Brian is happy knowing that he’s finally rid of the kid that invaded his home for so long, the kid that wouldn’t leave him alone. No. Justin was finally starting to realize what Brian had meant about regrets being bullshit. Because regrets do nothing but make you dwell on the past, and there was no point in that. Not if you could do nothing about it.

He knew that Ethan would have to be enough. Even if he was the wrong person, Justin had gotten what he wanted.

And now he would just have to live with that.


End file.
